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Author Topic: Juletide is dirty jokes time!  (Read 4984 times)

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van Sinn

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Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« on: Time Format »

Say, where are all the usual Juletide jokes?
We need to keep tradition, folks - if we loose our history, we stop being a people, and will end up as endangered species (or a victim of Soros).
(just make sure not to bypass lack-of-intelligenz property rights)


This Sain't my intervention:  (found on joke-db)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
« Last Edit: Time Format by vansinn »
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van Sinn

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #1 on: Time Format »

Santa in in the shopping mall with kids flocking around him.

A boy sits on his lap and he goes "Ho ho ho, so how old are you, and what do you wish for Christmas this year, my lad?"
The boy says "I wish me a red fire brigade truck with a large ladder and water hose, and a fire breathing dragon."
Ho ho ho, says Santa, "I think Santa just might drop by your chimney", stealing a glance towards the happy parents.

A fresh young looking girl then swiftly sits herself on Santa's lap, much to his surprise.
Slightly uneasy about the situation, Santa asks "Ho ho ho, and how old are you, my dear, and what do you wish for Christmas?"
The young girl shrugs her shoulders and replies "I'm 19, and I wish me a set of Christmas-red shoes with three inch heels, a set of shiny snow-white eight denier stockings with seams. And a Porche."

Santa so far manages to keep his posture, and replies "Ho ho ho, such fancy a wish list you have, my dear."
The young girl casually answers back "Maybe, but my parents are rich." And, after a brief rethinking "But they prefer automatic transmission, and I want a manual stick."
By now, Santa is clearly uneasy about her wishes, but does manage to reply "Ho ho ho, I know exactly what you mean, my dear", when the young girl swiftly looks him into his eyes and says "Santa, I feel certain you really could help me with the stick."
« Last Edit: Time Format by vansinn »
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van Sinn

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #2 on: Time Format »

C'mon, folks.. where are the dirty cranky Juletide jokes, pics and cartoons?
Cum doyn, as the Scotts would say it, let's get the fun rolling..
There are limits to even my own sick mindset :lol: :facepalm:
« Last Edit: Time Format by vansinn »
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van Sinn

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #3 on: Time Format »

Santa had had a more than busy December, whipping his deers all over the place, attempting to make the deadline.
For a change, Santa felt like getting something for himself, and decided "Ho ho ho, I'll want to become a metal guitarist!"

With uneasy heartbeat, he nick picked a few dimes from the support-your-local-church can, and, not to overdo the deed, went treasure hunting on Ebay.

Oh glorious goodness! Santa ended up with a lovely guitar, a tubeamp, cabs, and an ADA MP-1.
Now in possession of the best of the best, he soon mastered power chords and djenty shred, and all was swell.

Until st. Peter popped up on the Pearly Gates wireless, in a harsh voice saying "What is this I hear, Santa? Poking the can, and playing.. metal?"

Santa replied "I've worked hard, satisfied everyone to the best of my ability, even had a rich young girl on my lap with cravings of a Porche with manual stick.
Take a hike, Peter, leave me alone with my guitar, and go play your HAARP!"
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rnolan

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #4 on: Time Format »

 :lol:
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van Sinn

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #5 on: Time Format »

.
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MarshallJMP

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #6 on: Time Format »

GREAT hahahaha  :thumb-up:
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Kim

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #7 on: Time Format »

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RIG OF FIRE:  ADA MP-2, Rocktron Xpression, Peavey Classic 60/60, Gator pedalboard, Rolls MidiBuddy, Dunlop 95Q wah, D'Addario Pedal Tuner.
Mellotron/organ section:  EHX Mel9, EHX C9, Saturnworks A/B switch, Vox V860 volume, Crate Powerblock.
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HOME/STUDIO/COMBOS/STUFF:  Peavey JSX halfstack, Crate G60XL, Saturnworks Saturn Fuzz,  EHX Soul Food, ProCo Rat, Ibanez Smashbox, Saturnworks buffered splitter, Morley Tremonti wah, Peavey PV6, Korg DTR-1000, ADA MPC, Mr Black Bloodmoon.
GUITARS:  Jackson KE3-DiMarzio Breed/PAF Pro, Jackson KE3-DiMarzio Breed/PAF Pro, Silvertone P-bass, '70s Gretsch Dorado acoustic.
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Kim

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #8 on: Time Format »


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RIG OF FIRE:  ADA MP-2, Rocktron Xpression, Peavey Classic 60/60, Gator pedalboard, Rolls MidiBuddy, Dunlop 95Q wah, D'Addario Pedal Tuner.
Mellotron/organ section:  EHX Mel9, EHX C9, Saturnworks A/B switch, Vox V860 volume, Crate Powerblock.
Two 4x12 cabs:  one custom wired for both 2x12 guitar and 2x12 Mel9 if needed. UPDATED DIAGRAMS
HOME/STUDIO/COMBOS/STUFF:  Peavey JSX halfstack, Crate G60XL, Saturnworks Saturn Fuzz,  EHX Soul Food, ProCo Rat, Ibanez Smashbox, Saturnworks buffered splitter, Morley Tremonti wah, Peavey PV6, Korg DTR-1000, ADA MPC, Mr Black Bloodmoon.
GUITARS:  Jackson KE3-DiMarzio Breed/PAF Pro, Jackson KE3-DiMarzio Breed/PAF Pro, Silvertone P-bass, '70s Gretsch Dorado acoustic.
WISHLIST

Kim

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #9 on: Time Format »

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RIG OF FIRE:  ADA MP-2, Rocktron Xpression, Peavey Classic 60/60, Gator pedalboard, Rolls MidiBuddy, Dunlop 95Q wah, D'Addario Pedal Tuner.
Mellotron/organ section:  EHX Mel9, EHX C9, Saturnworks A/B switch, Vox V860 volume, Crate Powerblock.
Two 4x12 cabs:  one custom wired for both 2x12 guitar and 2x12 Mel9 if needed. UPDATED DIAGRAMS
HOME/STUDIO/COMBOS/STUFF:  Peavey JSX halfstack, Crate G60XL, Saturnworks Saturn Fuzz,  EHX Soul Food, ProCo Rat, Ibanez Smashbox, Saturnworks buffered splitter, Morley Tremonti wah, Peavey PV6, Korg DTR-1000, ADA MPC, Mr Black Bloodmoon.
GUITARS:  Jackson KE3-DiMarzio Breed/PAF Pro, Jackson KE3-DiMarzio Breed/PAF Pro, Silvertone P-bass, '70s Gretsch Dorado acoustic.
WISHLIST

rnolan

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #10 on: Time Format »

 :lol:
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Studio Rig: MP2/MB1 > Eurorack UB2442FX-Pro > TC M-One XL > Behringer Truths (with Truth Sub) / QUAD ESL 63s
Live Rig: MP2/MB1 > Alesis Quadverb > Alesis Midiverb 4 > Yamaha AM802 > B200s/Carvin TS100/DCM200L > ADA Split Stacks/Mesa P112s

van Sinn

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #11 on: Time Format »

Now I fully recognize the resurrected Depot.. :thumb-up:
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van Sinn

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #12 on: Time Format »

I know.. truth can be hard..
« Last Edit: Time Format by vansinn »
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Dante

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #13 on: Time Format »

I posted this on FB, but it goes well here too:

A cute thing I tell kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

 :lol:
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van Sinn

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Re: Juletide is dirty jokes time!
« Reply #14 on: Time Format »

Well..  Santa is known to loose temper in other situations..
(hope cartoonstock won't loose temper now that I add for them)
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