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Miscellaneous => Discussions => Just For Fun => Topic started by: Kim on March 05, 2016, 11:46:06 AM

Title: Part 1
Post by: Kim on March 05, 2016, 11:46:06 AM
Thanks, rnolan.   :banana-upsidedown:

There probably isn't a need for individual threads; just Reply on this one with your post.  (Eventually there may need to be a Part 2 if this one gets too full)  Have fun and poke fun at your bandmates.   :lol:

(http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj118/casey71us/motorhead_zpsq9vbm6es.jpg) (http://s270.photobucket.com/user/casey71us/media/motorhead_zpsq9vbm6es.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on March 05, 2016, 11:58:14 AM
(http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj118/casey71us/treble_zpsuo4yqdgz.jpg) (http://s270.photobucket.com/user/casey71us/media/treble_zpsuo4yqdgz.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: rnolan on March 05, 2016, 12:00:05 PM
No worries  ;) , you could put Deep Purple into that one and it would fit me LoL. I had 2 neighbors turn up a while ago in their dressing gowns (@2 am  :facepalm: ), scared the sh%t out of me as they walked in the back door (knocking at the front I wouldn't have heard  >:D ), I had something pumping (probably You Keep On Moving from come taste the band or similar), had my Truths and Quads all cranked.... sublime sound... absolutely pumping, I was in extacy land .. then an abrupt halt  :facepalm:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on March 07, 2016, 05:19:06 PM
How do you know there's a drummer at your door?

The knocking speeds up.     :lol:
(Or in my case.....the knocking won't stop.) 
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: tomy on March 07, 2016, 11:38:43 PM
I 've always been a fan of Pink Floyd even when Darth vader used to play with them
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: rnolan on March 08, 2016, 12:53:24 AM
How come roadies can only count to 2 (one, ztwo) ? coz if they could count to 4 they'd be drummers....

How many guitarist does it take to change a light bulb ? One and 100 standing around saying I could do it better than that...
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on March 08, 2016, 10:35:55 AM
This is great keep it up  :thumb-up:  ;D
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MikeB on March 08, 2016, 12:02:19 PM
How do you know if there's a guitarist in the room?

He'll tell you.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on March 08, 2016, 12:35:50 PM
What do you throw to a drowning bass player?

His amp.  ;)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: tomy on March 08, 2016, 12:44:20 PM
How come roadies can only count to 2 (one, ztwo) ? coz if they could count to 4 they'd be drummers....

How many guitarist does it take to change a light bulb ? One and 100 standing around saying I could do it better than that...

Oh boy !!!
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on March 08, 2016, 01:10:42 PM
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a bassist?
The vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in to suck.

A band = 4 musicians and a drummer.

How does a bassist's brain cell die?
Alone.

Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.

Bassist and the guitarist are having a discussion when the singer walks in the rehearsal room.He asks what going on here?Bassist says,he turned one of my tuning pegs and he won't tell which one.

Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: tomy on March 08, 2016, 01:40:01 PM
 :thumb-up:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on March 08, 2016, 03:27:53 PM
What does a stripper do with her ass before she goes to work?

She drops him off at band practice.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MikeB on March 09, 2016, 11:55:26 AM
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on March 09, 2016, 12:44:22 PM
What is the definition of a "gentleman"?

A guitarist who can play "Stairway to Heaven" but doesn't.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on March 15, 2016, 03:47:08 PM
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
Who cares!  Neither one is a guitar.

What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

What's the range of a banjo?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

Never heard in a club:  "Hold on folks!  Here comes the Triangle solo!"
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Peter H. Boer on March 16, 2016, 12:19:07 AM
What's 'perfect pitch'

Throwing the banjo in the dumpster without hitting the sides  O0
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 21, 2016, 04:21:36 PM
What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?

A drummer.


Harley 8)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 21, 2016, 04:22:55 PM
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?

Drool. :facepalm:

Harley 8)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 21, 2016, 04:24:15 PM
How do you get a guitar player to turn his volume down?

Put sheet music in front of him.

Harley 8)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 21, 2016, 04:25:47 PM
What is the most commonly asked question by guitar players across the USA?

Do you want fries with that Big Mac?

Harley 8)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 21, 2016, 04:27:10 PM
What do you call a transient bum with a back stage pass?

A singer.

Harley 8)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 21, 2016, 04:33:09 PM
What do you get when your Bass player has gas?

Bass Solo.

 Harley :facepalm:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: tomy on March 21, 2016, 05:03:10 PM
Hey Harley, time to show to your bandmates  how nice you talk about them :thumb-up:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 22, 2016, 04:48:34 AM
Hey Harley, time to show to your bandmates  how nice you talk about them :thumb-up:

Who did you think I got these gems from?  O0
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on March 22, 2016, 03:00:53 PM
Nice ones Harley,now i got some new ones to tell at next rehearsal  :lol:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: tomy on March 22, 2016, 03:09:52 PM
What is the most commonly asked question by guitar players across the USA?

Do you want fries with that Big Mac?

Harley 8)


Men, just love this one.... still laughing at :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 22, 2016, 05:17:42 PM
Enjoy MJMP,

I've probably forgotten about a hundred of them, these are just a few that stand out a bit  :lol:

Harley 8)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on March 23, 2016, 08:40:25 AM
Thanks Harley.BTW don't see much guitar player jokes here  ;)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on March 23, 2016, 01:04:54 PM
LMAO  :lol:  :thumb-up:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 25, 2016, 04:54:49 AM
Thanks Harley.BTW don't see much guitar player jokes here  ;)

I'm sure there's a million of them, I just can't recall them all  :lol:

Harley
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Dante on March 25, 2016, 10:03:58 AM
How do you know when a singer is at your door?

He can't find the key, or doesn't know when to come in
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Soloist on March 25, 2016, 10:11:53 AM
Says it all.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: tomy on March 25, 2016, 11:36:32 AM
awful  !
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on March 25, 2016, 03:04:16 PM
 :lol: :thumb-up:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on March 25, 2016, 04:52:15 PM
What's the difference between an violin and a fiddle?
   
A violin burns hotter, and the fiddle burns longer.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on March 26, 2016, 05:27:06 AM
Says it all.

   Hell Yeah!  :lol:

    Harley 8)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on April 07, 2016, 03:12:09 AM
How many guitars does a guitarist really need?
   
Just one more...     :lol:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: tomy on April 07, 2016, 03:23:22 AM
How many guitars does a guitarist really need?
   
Just one more...     :lol:


:facepalm: hard is the truth :facepalm:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on April 07, 2016, 01:41:28 PM
How many guitars does a guitarist really need?
   
Just one more...     :lol:

  So true :thumb-up:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on April 08, 2016, 03:57:02 AM
My drummer really hates it when I shorten his name to "d*ck".......but mostly because his name is Craig.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: tomy on April 08, 2016, 06:54:16 AM
My drummer really hates it when I shorten his name to "d*ck".......but mostly because his name is Craig.

... and he surely deserves it !
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on April 08, 2016, 05:19:34 PM
That just refers back to the joke I posted about the guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians  :lol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgHM98rfE28


See ya in da caves!!!


Harley 8)
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on May 07, 2016, 09:58:27 AM
Drummer:  Guys, I got us a gig tomorrow night.  There's no pay, but I can guarantee there will be BJs.
Guitarist:   We'll be fine, but just stick to the drums, ok?
Bassist:   I like BJs....
Singer:   I'm not wearing pants.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on July 06, 2016, 05:10:44 PM
I guess someone found there are backwards messages hidden in Nickleback's last album.   :o

When the audio was played backwards, they supposedly heard "satanic messages".
But even worse......when they played it forwards, they heard Nickleback.   :lol:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 06, 2016, 05:50:28 PM
I guess someone found there are backwards messages hidden in Nickleback's last album.   :o

When the audio was played backwards, they supposedly heard "satanic messages".
But even worse......when they played it forwards, they heard Nickleback.   :lol:

Damn!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

As much as I hate to admit it, I've actually seen Nickelback and their show wasn't bad!  :crazy:

Tickets were ridiculously cheap and I was offered beer, so I couldn't really say no!  :lol:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Dante on July 06, 2016, 09:25:25 PM
I guess someone found there are backwards messages hidden in Nickleback's last album.   :o

When the audio was played backwards, they supposedly heard "satanic messages".
But even worse......when they played it forwards, they heard Nickleback.   :lol:

 :lol:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Samuraipanda on July 07, 2016, 05:44:10 AM
How many guitarist does it take to change a light bulb ? One and 100 standing around saying I could do it better than that...

and 15 of the 100 would be saying.... " I only use vintage Mullard 25 watt bulbs for that vintage glow. You can't get the same feel from LED's."

 :banana-rock:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 07, 2016, 06:09:27 AM
I guess someone found there are backwards messages hidden in Nickleback's last album.   :o

When the audio was played backwards, they supposedly heard "satanic messages".
But even worse......when they played it forwards, they heard Nickleback.   :lol:


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: sad but true :thumb-up:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 07, 2016, 06:11:47 AM
How many guitarist does it take to change a light bulb ? One and 100 standing around saying I could do it better than that...

and 15 of the 100 would be saying.... " I only use vintage Mullard 25 watt bulbs for that vintage glow. You can't get the same feel from LED's."

 :banana-rock:

Why didn't I think of that? :dunno: Good one
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on July 08, 2016, 04:04:11 PM
Good ones Van  :thumb-up:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 09, 2016, 02:24:34 PM
Hmmm,
 
    I thought it was more like this;

      Man spends the first nine months of his existence getting out of the hole, then spends the rest of his life trying to get back in!
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on July 09, 2016, 04:59:18 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 10, 2016, 03:14:07 PM
Hmmm,
 
    I thought it was more like this;

      Man spends the first nine months of his existence getting out of the hole, then spends the rest of his life trying to get back in!

Which of course begs the related explanation on the other sex:

Woman spends the first nine months of her existence trying to get something out of the hole, then spends the rest of her life trying to get something back in! - often even while adhering to the principle of repeat and rinse..

   ....So...that would make her a "Douche-bag?
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 04:27:38 AM
Okay....

    Back to the Musician jokes:

  Q:   What would you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a bass player?
  A:    A Tattoo
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 04:50:52 AM
Q: What is the difference between a keyboard player and God?
A: God doesn't think he is a keyboard player.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 04:52:30 AM
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Oops, I broke it!"
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 04:55:18 AM
Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six.  One to change the bulb, and the other five to stand around in a semi-circle singing about how good the old one was.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 04:56:37 AM
Q: What's the difference between a large pizza, and a Folk guitar player?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 04:58:36 AM
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three piece suit?
A: The Defendant.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:01:29 AM
Q: Is there anything in common between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: Yes, both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:02:41 AM
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:04:18 AM
Q: What's the dynamic range of a bass player?
A: On or Off.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:05:45 AM
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: Music Critic.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:09:47 AM
Q: How can you tell when there is a singer at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:12:42 AM
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding keyboard player running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again!
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:14:05 AM
Q: What would you call 100 Folk Singers at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:15:34 AM
Q: What is one statement you will never hear?
A: "That's the banjo player's Ferrari."
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:17:58 AM
 A child says to his mother: "Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a Musician.
 The child's mother smiles and replies, "Now honey, you know you can't do both."
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 05:30:07 AM
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on July 11, 2016, 08:22:56 AM
Great ones Harley  :thumb-up:  :lol:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 11, 2016, 11:06:18 AM
Q: What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 11, 2016, 11:06:45 AM
A man asks the devil: “how much does it cost to be the greatest guitar player in the world?”
The devil says: “Give me your Soul.”
The man asks: “What can i get for a dollar?”
Devil: “Greatest bass player in the world.”
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 11, 2016, 11:07:16 AM
Q: How does a guitar player protect his Guitar from being stolen?
A: Store it in a bass case
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 11, 2016, 11:08:03 AM
Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot One.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 11, 2016, 11:15:54 AM
This is a longer one but...

A guy gets off an airplane in the Bahamas, as he leaves the airport he hears music playing and you can hear drums off in the distance. Everything is as he thought it would be.

He gets to the resort, and he’s there for a few hours and he begins to notice that when other music stops the drums keep on going. So he asks one of the pool boys:

“Man whats the deal with the drums, they never st-“

“Oh” the pool boy says, “Bad thing when drums stop, terrible, terrible thing when drums stop.”

The guy asks “Why-“

“Don’t ask, just-bad thing when drums stop.”

The guy just thinks “whatever” and continues his day. He goes to bed that night, and off in the distance the drums are still going. He’s having a hard time going to sleep so he calls the Receptionist at the front desk of the resort:

“Ma’am, whats the deal- you know, can you tell me- like- I’m trying to sleep but the drums keep goi-“

“Woah, sir. Don’t talk about the drums, don’t, you don’t want to know about drums.”

He asks: “Well when are they gonna stop?”

“Oh you don’t want drums to stop. Terrible, horrible thing.”

“Well, tell me why-“

“No I ca- I wont tell you why, just, it’s a horrible thing.”

So the guy gets off the phone and puts pillows up against both ears, and when he wakes up the next morning the drums are still going. He goes down to the front desk determined to find out why the drums haven’t stopped. He asks the guy working at the desk:

“So what’s the deal with the goddamn drums-“

“Oh sir it’s a bad th-“

“I know it’s a f*ckin’ bad thing when the drums stop, and it’s terrible and horrible! But I’m sick of it, it’s ruining my whole vacation. What. The f*ck. Happens when the goddamn drums stop!”

“Oh horrible thing-“

“I know it’s a horrible thing, what is it!?!?”

The receptionist looks around and turns to the guy, he lowers his voice and tells him: “When drums stop... it’s time for the bass solo.”
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MikeB on July 11, 2016, 01:56:22 PM
That's one of my favourites. I was going to do it but couldn't be bothered typing it up. Thanks for putting in the effort.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 11, 2016, 03:09:36 PM
Q: What is the definition of Perfect Pitch?
A: When you throw the banjo in the garbage, and it hits the accordion.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: MarshallJMP on July 11, 2016, 04:10:45 PM
 :lol:  :facepalm:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 12, 2016, 04:38:19 AM
Q: How many vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He holds the bulb over his head and the world revolves around him.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 12, 2016, 05:23:02 AM
Q: What's the difference between a Bull and a Band?
A: The Bull has the horns up front and the asshole in the back.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 12, 2016, 07:22:39 AM
Q: What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
A: Who cares, neither one's a guitar!
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 12, 2016, 07:25:09 AM
Q: What are the three things a guitar player says when he shows up for a gig?
A: "What do I play, when do I play it, and can I run a tab?"
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 12, 2016, 07:25:37 AM
Q. How many guitarists does it take to play Stairway to Heaven?
A. Apparently all of them.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 12, 2016, 07:26:39 AM
2 guys were walking down the street.
One was destitute. The other was a guitarist as well.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: PrimalScream91 on July 12, 2016, 07:27:12 AM
Dear Abby,

I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.

A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said, "Sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue, and who she comes in with". He agreed.
Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. It wasn't long before I saw my wife come in with another guy. He bought them drinks and they sat down, conversing flirtatiously with each other. Then, after a while, he got up to go to the bathroom, and she started flirting with the bartender! She wrote something (I'm assuming her cell number) on a bar napkin and gave it to him. He gave her a wink and a nod. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My wife - the sweet little coquette!! At this point it was getting awfully warm for me. I was sweating. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other three.

Is this something I can fix myself or do need to take it to a technician?
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 12, 2016, 07:48:21 AM
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Harley Hexxe on July 12, 2016, 07:54:57 AM
Q: How do you piss a band off?
A: Pay them.
Title: Re: Part 1
Post by: Kim on July 12, 2016, 10:19:57 AM
Dear Abby..........

Is this something I can fix myself or do need to take it to a technician?

OMG.  Winner!!